i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
