I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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