dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
my nose is crying tears of wow.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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