your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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