Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
