Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
