Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
