I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize