people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The best revenge is premature balding
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
