Swine flu. Run for my life!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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