im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
