Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
