Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
