Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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