I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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