Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
