I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
