Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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