Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
