The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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