You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
