why didn't you poke me back
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
