I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize