I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
