you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
