I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
