i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She told me I should be a condom model.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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