He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
