Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
