so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize