I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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