Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
