i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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