I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
