y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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