Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
