Swine flu. Run for my life!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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