All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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