did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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