You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
