Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
