Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
