now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
