i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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