i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
