Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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