Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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