I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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