I wanna bring you to show and tell
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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