I forgot how hot balto sounded
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize