You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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