I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
