Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
