If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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