I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
