the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
