If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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