You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
