just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
